I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
You Might Also Like
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
What about second breakfast?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.