Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

is this store having a stroke wtf

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.