I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most