I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
These aliens are taking forever.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”