I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You better watch out
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
sugar glider wrangler
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?