I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
and now we wait
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Lmfao
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF