I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]