I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Good boy 😂😂
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?