I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The asteroid..
