Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

My dad is at it again

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Well, that didn’t work.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied