I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.