I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”