I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Before & after 😅
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.