I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I unironically love this joke.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…