I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face