I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
You Might Also Like
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
