Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.