I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!