I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
first you must answer his riddles
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy