Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?