Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae