Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Employees must applaud the planets.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.