I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Camel dough
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire