I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
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My daily affirmation
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
@funTweeters
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.