I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
when there are deer in the woods
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
no way 😭
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.