Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.