I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
did it work
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Flowers bee like
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?