Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…