I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly