Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.