I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’d use my best pan on you.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.