I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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No one can handle that
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”