I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”