i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
guilty
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.