i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
You Might Also Like
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Somebody’s lying.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying