i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.