PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.