I miss this era type of pranks😭
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”