Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.