I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Confused owl: What?!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.