I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.