I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
she has a point
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…