I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so