I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they鈥檝e upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I鈥檓 good now.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don鈥檛 want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won鈥檛 be able to help with their homework
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My friend told me her kids don鈥檛 get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
馃拃馃拃
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn鈥檛 afford a car.
[texting my fianc茅 the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*receiving flowers
I don鈥檛 know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
boss: you鈥檙e late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife鈥檚 car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people