I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Who’s your best friend?