Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.