Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Lunatics are gonna loon.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.