Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message