My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.