yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
You Might Also Like
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me after drinking all the wine:
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
finally