I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
😏😏😏
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point