I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
How I’d get arrested…
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.