I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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DOOO EEEET
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Beauty and the Beast
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.