I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.