Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car