I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Can you solve the riddle??
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?