Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

ㅤ

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.