I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
how much for the angry fruit?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
🔦🌙👣
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..