I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?