I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
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It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.