I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
here we go again
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.