I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about


Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken


Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.


I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.