@Kryzazy

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

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@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

@Holy_Mowgli

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

@PrisonCookies

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

@fubwat

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

@YesItsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@JessObsess

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.