Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

A roof is a house hat.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

happy friday

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Perfect

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites