Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

ㅤ

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”