Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that