I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The news is so predictable nowadays
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING