@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

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@causticbob

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

@jukeboxsauce

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

@Sickayduh

The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.

@OnBeingHer

6: I’m going outside to play.
Me: Stay in your own yard.
6: Define “my own yard”
Me: …. have fun.

So her mother’s child.

@Mr_Kapowski

Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home

@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries