I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
hackers play passwordle
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.